reviews from thebloodfiend

Let It Shine

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:00:54 -0700

In Which I Continue to Commit Disney Induced Suicide

Why are there so many Disney Channel Original Movies? I only have one life.

One brain.

Limited brain cells.

Limited time.

It’s practically impossible to watch every single one.

As proven by The Cheetah Girls, they aren’t all bad, but if we judged solely from High School Musical, I wouldn’t be able to say otherwise with a straight face.

Let It Shine stars Tyler James Williams, from Everybody Hates Chris. It’s a retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac. I have a bad track record with retellings, but I’m going to give this a chance. Sure, there’s going to be rapping and cheese and zero sexual tension, but I’m going to give it an honest chance. I like love triangles, so that’s already a point in its favor.

Cyrano de Bergerac is a play written by Edmond Rostand. Many, many movies have previously tried to tackle it. I would not know if they were successful. I’m not familiar with the source material. A bit of research tells me it’s about a guy, Cyrano, who thinks he’s hideously ugly. He falls in love with this girl, Roxanne. Another guy, Christian, falls in love with her, too. Cyrano starts writing her letters. Roxanne thinks they’re from Christian and falls in love with him. Drama ensues.

I can totally see how Disney would think it’s good idea to make a sterilized, sexless version of this for kids. Take out the incest and the murder and the historical elements and replace the letters with rap lyrics and we’ve got a movie ready for primetime. Kill me now.

I know I said I wouldn’t judge the movie before I watched it, but I just saw High School Musical. Cut me some slack.

Let It Shine opens with a musical number from a church choir. Of course its overproduced, but it’s not terrible. At least, it’s not terrible until they start rapping. Disney should stay far, far away from hip-hop.

We find that Cyrus, our MC, composed this number. He’s in charge of the choir. His father is pastor/minister/whatever of the church and he does not approve of rap. This becomes a major sub plot. I will not mention it again because it’s so contrived, filled with slut shaming, and epically horrible in that it mentions Christianity every other sentence. Do not want.

Basically, it becomes a minor conflict for Cyrus. Church/family or rap/fame/Roxanne.

Cyrus’s best friend, Chris, is also a rapper, but he sucks. They go to a club to flirt with girls — or Chris does (Cyrus is a busboy). We find that Chris has game, or swag. Cyrus does not. Cyrus wants a girl he can take to the Atlanta Jazz Museum. Guess who that girl is.

The next musical number is really bad, beat wise. The rapping is below average. It’s like a kiddie version of a Nicki Minaj guest verse. Finally, our MC raps. And he’s okay. He watches the rap battle while he buses tables, rolling his eyes at the terrible rappers on stage.

When the number is over, he accidentally spills soda on one of the terrible rappers. And they have a rap battle. He’s boss.

That doesn’t actually happen. Cyrus slinks away, leaving terrible rapper to brag on stage.

When our MC and Chris get home, they watch a BET-esque show which features their childhood friend, Roxanne, who became a popstar. She reveals a contest: write a song and if it’s picked, you sign with her label. Both boys decide to enter. Cyrus starts working on his song immediately.

Roxanne gets the song. But she thinks Christian wrote it.

Sidenote: Disney tries to defend the vocoder. Vocoders aren’t bad, but almost every popular artist abuses them.

FYI: this is a stupid contrivance and a huge plot hole. Whenever people send in content for contests, they are required to sign contracts and write their real name and etc… so companies aren’t liable and shit. This would never happen. Ever. Fuck this plot hole.

Roxanne’s first performance is bad. She doesn’t have much personality to speak of.

Of course, being a shitty friend, Chris lies about the song. Because he’s a douchebag. Because he wants a quick fuck with Roxanne. And being a doormat, Cyrus concedes. I am so sick of this movie and it’s not even a third over.

Cyrus and Chris record. Chris sucks. He can’t rap. He can’t freestyle. He’s a pretty face with no brain. Cyrus does all his thinking. And Roxanne eats this shit up.

I wish Chris would die.

And I don’t know why Cyrus likes this stupid girl.

Thankfully, they don’t keep up this charade longer than 50% of the movie, right?

Nope. This girl is an idiot. She and Chris deserve each other. Cyrus, you fucking sap, move on.

We get more vocoder praise. More bashing critics. Egads. This movie is bad. The entire plot hinges on a misunderstanding. A simple, stupid misunderstanding.

So, out of curiosity (really, just to get away from this horrible movie for ten minutes), I googled Chris’s actor — Trevor Jackson. He’s like Chris Brown Lite. As a singer/dancer, he’s not bad. He’s sixteen. Since he hasn’t beat down a woman yet, he’s not ready for fame. Excuse me while I hurl.

I listened to his cover of In the Air Tonight. He has talent. It’s a shame he has to play a douchebag in this piece of shit while talentless assholes like Chris Brown get press.

Next, I googled Coco Jones. Fuck Disney.

The girl can sing. Very, very good. She sings the fuck out of the national anthem in fourth grade.

Why are talented kids acting in Disney crap? Who knows. I guess they need a paycheck and Disney is the only one dishing out cash.

Eventually, Roxanne figures out the “truth” (this it the MC’s rap name — Truth) and it freaks her out. But she gets over it. And she hooks up with Cyrus.

The end rap battle was pretty good — as good as a Disney rap battle can be, anyway.

Final Thoughts: This movie did not need to be two hours long. If you can’t update your source material logically, don’t use it for chrissake. And don’t treat your audience like simpering idiots.

There is nothing fresh or new about this movie. And it does not capture “black culture.”

High School Musical

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 12:00:52 -0700

In Which I Commit Suicide By Netflix (And Realize I’d Rather Watch the Soulja-Boy Tell ‘Em Documentary — Yes That Exists)

So.

I said I’d never do it, but it happened.

I decided to watch High School Musical.

I mean, it’s not fair to mock something incessantly if you’ve never seen it, right? Sure, people say you shouldn’t watch things you don’t like, but how will you be able to make fun of it if you’ve never seen it? It’s like talking out of your ass. And, who knows, you might end up liking it. That happened to me with Legally Blonde. And it’s why I watch Glee. I can’t talk shit about it if I don’t know what’s happening.

As I’ve seen some of Hannah Montana (eventually, I’ll have to watch more of it than what I’ve seen in Todd in the Shadow’s review of the movie) I have full right to mock it shamelessly. I can’t say the same about HSM. Note: I’ve seen Jump In (not bad) and Bandslam (one of my favorite teen movies), so I will admit that I don’t think Vanessa Hudgens and Corbin Bleu are bad actors. I can’t say the same for the rest of this cast.

This movie takes place in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I don’t know why. Nothing interesting ever happens in ABQ. Trust me.

It’s not like the movie takes advantage of its setting with clever slang (watch “Shit Burquenos Say — it’s spot on), the vast expanse of Hispanic culture (Vanessa Hudgens is the closet thing to a Hispanic we get in this movie), the reservations (American Indian subplot?), the tram (skiing subplot?), green chile, or even zia tattoo jokes.

Most Disney movies have reasons for taking place in France, Alaska, Louisiana, Cali, Hawaii or New York. HSM can’t even be bothered to fake a reason for taking place in ABQ. It might as well take place in Cleveland. Or Jamaica. Or Tahiti. It wasn’t even filmed in ABQ for god’s sake. They filmed it in Utah.

Moving on from this annoying bit of trivia, we open with a party at an imaginary ski resort on the other side of the “Sandia Mountains.” Ignore my twitching eye. The second scene introduces our basketball obsessed protagonist, Troy. He heads to the party were he meets the shy Vanessa Hudgens and they’re forced to sing together for some unexplained reason. Why is she at the party? She’s reading a book on the couch, looking more out of place than Monk in a BDSM dungeon.

Sidenote: Do girls find Zac Efron attractive? Bieber is more attractive than this weird looking guy.

Sidenote #2: This is a lame high school party.

The first song is painful. So, so painful. We’ve gotten no lines from Hudgens’s character, two from Efron’s, and they — apparently — fall in love singing this song. Everyone applauds their karaoke number (they magically know all the words). I’m so disgusted I can’t express my revulsion properly.

Look — I’ve watched musicals before. I know how they work. This is just… random. Musicals follow some logical song progression. These characters are pulled on stage, told to sing, and it feels so unnatural.

I’m going to guess that Hudgens learned acting from the School of Kirsten Stewart because I’m not seeing much more than her character (Sa5m) from Bandslam, sans the goth act. She’s even got the weird, I’m not rolling my eyes but I’m rolling my eyes, bit going on here. Yes, I think this girl is hot. Yes, she’s not a terrible singer. But, jeez, it’s only been five minutes and I can tell that this character is going to be completely devoid of depth.

Great character development Disney — girl reads a book and she’s smart. Next up — white guy holds a door open for black guy to prove he’s not racist.

When they interact, my first though is this — is Efron’s character gay? Am I supposed to believe that these two have chemistry?

Moments later, Bleu’s character is introduced. He has more chemistry with Efron than Hudgens.

Sidenote #3: If this review feels choppy, don’t blame me. I’m simply recounting events from the movie. Its scenes run as smooth as Glen Quagmire.

Our gang ends up getting detention from the drama teacher for having cellphones in class. Can I get a rousing chorus of contrived?

We also get a love triangle. Kind of. I can’t figure out if the other leg of this triangle is supposed to be Bleu’s character or our blonde antagonist. Yep, we’ve got an annoying blonde. Her name is Sharpay. She gets her own spin off movie. Kill me. Kill me now. Make it painful and slow. I deserve it for watching this movie.

Anyway, we discover that there’s going to be a “big” musical. Prediction: the musical will conflict with the basketball game. The jocks are afraid of anything related to singing and drama, of course. Ironically, they sing the next number. It’s also bad.

I don’t hate musicals. I hate bad musicals. This is a BAD musical.

Our characters have so little development outside of their “sex” drives, it’s pathetic. All Troy thinks about is basketball and boning Gabrielle (and I know he’s gay for Bleu’s character) (also, by boning, I don’t mean fucking, I mean blowing butterfly kisses or some ridiculously non-sexy thing neutered Disney males enjoy doing with girls) and all Gabrielle thinks about is Troy and being smart. Note, I didn’t say doing smart things. She literally just sits around and thinks about how hard it is to be smart. The other characters don’t even get the pleasure of having more than two thought processes at one time.

Sharpay soon becomes obsessed with Gabrielle. Don’t ask why. Hudgens’ character corrects the teacher — ONCE — which prompts Sharpay to google her. Once again, don’t ask why.

This soon becomes yet another pointless addition to the sports vs the arts genre. Because, of course, we can never do both.

These students are so neutered, I’d rather watch My So-Called Life on repeat. I bet if someone whispered blow job in Troy’s ear, he’d wonder if you were referring to a chemistry project about volcanoes. Bieber’s had more sex with his ex-girlfriend than Troy’s ever gotten from his hand.

Okay, fast forward to the musical auditions. Everyone sucks, even moreso than our gang. Gay blonde boy isn’t that bad, to be honest, but Sharpay’s annoying auto tuned, crappy as fuck voice over powers him. In fact, she kind of sounds like Rachel Berry. Nasally and loud.

Moments later, Efron and Hudgens sing the exact same song. It sounds somewhat better. They’re starting to get a little bit of chemistry together, though I still don’t see them getting past first base without Efron clamming up like the gay kid in United States of Tara.

The next dance number is basically the “conform or else” song. It sucks. That’s all you need to know. I mean, seriously, does anyone care that much about status quo? Are basketball players not supposed to cook? Are smart kids not supposed to be into hip-hop (all anyone listens to nowadays)? And are stoners (Disney is subtle) not supposed to play cello? It’s so one dimensional, it makes a Flo Rida song sound deep.

Hudgens’ “acting” gets continually worse as the movie goes on. I really feel bad for her. She’s good at being a smarmy emo. She sucks at being a standard Disney heroine.

Hudgens and Efron flirt. They sing. Etc… Efron’s dad gets pissed because his son is putting a girl over basketball. My god. Wouldn’t most stereotypical All American dads be proud that their sons are showing interest in girls? Hot girls like Hudgens. Especially a guy as gay as Efron.

Sidenote #4: Bleu, apparently, can’t stop thinking about Efron in a leotard while he’s playing basketball. But this guy isn’t gay. No way. Anyone else expecting a coming out moment after the credit roll?

I’m sorry, but every single male in this movie is epically gay. I’m not kidding. If this wasn’t a Disney movie, I’d expect a scene with them “accidentally” kissing each other after practice.

Seriously, do these guys have lives outside of basketball? Do they not have class? Girlfriends? Do they all suck so bad they need Troy to save their asses on the court?

I don’t even know what Gabrielle’s subplot is. It’s pointless and contributes nothing to this movie.

During the film’s false climax, the guys get a tape of Troy saying how little Hudgens (and the musical) mean to him. Of course, she watches it. And she’s heartbroken. His fake outburst is uber gay. He might as well strip and have an orgy with the team right there. These are not gay jokes, fyi. I am being dead serious. These guys are just… I swear, they can’t be straight. No straight guy would toss Gabrielle aside because his buddies were feeling lonely.

Gabrielle’s first solo musical number is terrible and overproduced. I can’t even recognize Hudgens’ voice. She’s supposed to sound heartbroken, but she gives this song as much as energy as one would devote to taking a shit. I don’t blame her. She’s just in it for a paycheck. If it were me (I’m not above selling out for money) I’d show even less effort.

Her character shuns Efron. He goes all emo. Eventually, we get a sappy reunion number between our dynamic duo after fifteen minutes of “we’re sad” drama. The school realizes that people can have more than one hobby.

At this point, I wish Efron and Hudgens would just fuck or something. They are so limp and boring on screen. A bit of sex would make this interesting.

Somehow, Sharpay orchestrates a scheme which sets the game, callbacks, and Hudgens’ academic decathlon at the same time. No school would actually do this. It’s nice that we’re supposed to believe a teen girl can manipulate the faculty, though. Did she give them sexual favors or what? No, this is a Disney movie. She just magically does it with no reason or logic given.

The second number between Sharpay and her brother is worse than the first. Meanwhile, Hudgens and Efron are at the respective gigs. They escape through more plot contrivances and sing together. It’s overproduced crap. The entire school shows up to watch.

I don’t know what’s worse — the musical aspect or the actual storyline.

Don’t ask me to describe any of these characters beyond two words. The don’t develop so much as warp themselves around the plot.

We don’t even get a real kiss. Efron kisses Hudgens on the goddamn cheek.

But I don’t hate this movie. It’s just bad. Epically bad. It’s overproduced, sterilized crap. Basically — a shiny turd doused in febreze.

Final Thoughts: Vanessa Hudgens is hot in every single scene of this movie, but that, sadly, does not redeem this movie. The musical numbers were terrible, the acting was horrible, the writing was shit, and I’m ashamed to say I watched this. I wouldn’t recommend it to my worst enemy. Every male is oddly gay or neutered. Every female is pointlessly catty or devoid of a personality.

Dear god, put me out of my misery. I don’t even have any good jokes about this movie.

It’s that bad.

Even the title is a bad pun. It’s a High School Musical about a High School Musical. Get it? Haha. Very clever Disney. Excuse my while I barf up rainbow glitter and unicorn farts.

The Cheetah Girls

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 12:00:38 -0700

In Which I Continue To Watch Movies I Was Not Allowed to View As A Child

Raven-Symone.

I can’t think of her without memories of The Cosby Show and Doctor Dolittle surfacing. Truth be told, I watched a few episodes of That’s So Raven whenever I stayed with my maternal Grandmother. From what I remember, it was an amusing show. Nothing miraculous, but not completely terrible. Compared to the current Disney Grrl Power line-up, it was practically Nolan material.

But then there’s The Cheetah Girls. Precursor to High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and Camp Rock. I’m not sure who came first — Raven Simone or Hillary Duff — but they’re both responsible for those abominations. But just how responsible?

Is The Cheetah Girls drippy tripe to be dismissed forever as a lousy tv-movie? Is the soundtrack as bad as what Miley Cyrus passes off as singing? Is it sexist? Is the writing any good? Is there a decent romance? Today, we’ll find out.

The movie opens with a helicopter shot of New York City. We cut to the girls preforming a musical number for a birthday party. Raven and her friends are determined to become popstars. They dub themselves cheetahs within the first two minutes. I will be referring to Raven-Simone’s character, Galleria, as Raven throughout this review.

Now, I forgot to mention that Raven-Simone overacts. A lot. But we get a clear goal within the first five minutes and strong characterization (Raven Simone’s standard character — an, egotistical, independent teen girl). We also get conflict between her dream (stardom) and her responsibilities/friendships. This is a pretty basic plot, but at least it’s there, early, and strong — if a little heavy handed. And Raven is likable. If there’s anything you can say about the girl, she’s got charisma. Granted, she’s not a great singer, but she’s not bad, either.

Despite their dreams, the girls care about studying. And we find that they’re entering the talent show at their school. Enter standard 90’s high school tropes. Boring teen boy drama. Etc… And, finally, we get to their audition.

Surprisingly, it’s not bad. It’s actually kind of decent. The lyrics are better than those from your average R&B/Pop song. The singing/dancing is alright. For a bit from a teen musical, I give it four stars.

And Jackal Johnson — the biggest producer since Quincy Jackson — shows up to watch the audition. He’s an alumni of the school. He liked the performance. He wants to sign them. But Raven’s mother wants her to finish high school. She thinks stardom and pressure will kill Raven’s grades. Do you see where this is going?

We also get a taste of Raven’s huge ego when she claims full credit for writing their songs and forming the group.

Anyway, Raven’s mother eventually caves and lets her call the producer after her husband gives her reasonable speech. With conditions. I’m glad this didn’t lead to cliche #1: Girl goes behind her mother’s back to achieve stardom.

Raven is late to her first meeting with Jackal. We get a dog shit gag, but it actually gives us a bit of characterization — it shows that Raven is very, very anal.

In the end, we find that the girls are going to record a demo tape. Their recording schedule, however, conflicts with the talent show. Raven convinces the girls that everything will work out. I don’t understand why they can’t reschedule the recording session. Chalk it up to movie contrivance.

Raven is also starting to piss off her fellow cheetah girls, one by one, as the fame monster gets to her head.

We haven’t gotten much development for the other girls so the next half hour is devoted to them. The white one is a dancer. She’s invited to go on tour to dance with a professional crew. She’s also secretly poor. And she has a black family. Her real mom didn’t want her. She’s a foster child. Yep. Character development ahoy. Earlier, Raven was ragging on her for not having expensive clothes. She got pissed. We now know why.

The Hispanic one is Raven’s BFF. She has a single mom who treats her like a sister. Her mom wants to sell their apartment and move in with a rich french guy. Every single scene the Hispanic one shares with Raven, you think they’re going to make-out, I swear. Her backstory is an interesting contrast to the white one’s. Her genetic mom doesn’t care and the white girl’s foster mom is all she’s ever had.

The other black one is … Well, she’s the other black one. Raven is the main black character. Therefor, TOBC (the other black character) doesn’t get a storyline in this movie.

Meanwhile, Raven’s head is growing to the size of a goddamn blimp. She puts herself center on the album cover and claims all credit for the songs. Her hispanic girlfriend (cough), I mean friend, tries to bring her back down to earth to no avail.

Another meeting with Jackal shows us that he’s trying to make the group more marketable. They rehearse their new song. It’s also not bad. Jackal, however, has a different song for them to record. And it’s terrible. He also wants to change their name to Global Getdown. Raven, justifiably, has a panic attack. The group, however, does not jump on the Raven bandwagon. They’re sick of everything being about her. And they want fame. So they split.

And Raven’s mom was right. Jackal destroyed their friendship and the group and their originality. We get a few touching scenes between the girls and their moms. I’d actually dare to say this movie is kind of feminist — it reinforces that friendships are more important than fame and fortune. A simple theme that so many other movies have screwed up.

The finale is kind of… well, jumbled and the designated love interest comes out of nowhere, but the resolution is tidy and put together. And we get a nice closing number. For the sake of the les yay, I ignored the kiss between Raven and the designated love interest. That did not happen. Raven’s character and the hispanic girl will forever be together in my mind.

Oh, and they win the talent show. And Jackal feels like a dumbass for letting their talent slip through his fingers.

Final Thoughts: I never thought I’d say this, but The Cheetah Girls is an alright movie. I enjoyed it. It’s not theater material, but I’d actually recommend it to people looking for a decent flick to show their preteen girls/boys. It shows that Hannah Montana and its ilk basically destroyed a genre that had good potential.

#1 Pet Peeve — the musical numbers are put through the studio wringer, I swear. Let the girls sing with their natural voices just once, please?

ETA: How many of you knew Raven was a lesbian? I didn’t. It doesn’t change the way I view her, but it’s interesting to note. To me, at least. A former female Disney star who’s a lesbian and a PoC. Who didn’t go the route of Lindsey Lohan. Wow. Damn, I googled that before I started watching the movie and I couldn’t stop seeing les yay throughout.

So much les yay.

Why is there not a meme for this?

I kind of expected a make-out scene. I’m not lying.

I kind of wanted one, too.

I mean, the girl gave the designated love interest a colder shoulder than Kurt gave Mercedes in Glee. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Chris Colfer’s actually studied Ravon-Simone’s acting.

Beauty and the Beast

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 12:26:32 -0700

In Which I Watch My First Disney Princess Movie and Find That It’s Not As Bad As I Thought It Would Be (Though That Doesn’t Make It Good)

I grew up with an unspoken rule in my household: thou shalt not watch the Disney channel.

And with the Disney channel, every single Disney Princess movie followed suit. I have never seen The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White. In fact, the only Disney Princess movie I’ve seen is The Princess and the Frog, and that’s purely on the basis of race.

Yet, I’ve read so many feminist critiques of Disney movies, proclaiming that they’re sexist, trivial, and not worth the money invested in them. I’m not one to jump on any bandwagon, but I’ve never found the time to watch any of them — and I’m not a fan of musicals (I fast forward through every musical number in Glee).

But as more and more feminist complaints against the original critiques came in, I figured it was time to form my own opinion and watch a Disney Princess movie, especially since finals week was over. And I decided to start with the feminist favorite — Beauty and the Beast. So, I’m going to answer the questions every feminist tries to tackle in their critique of B&tB — does Belle suffer from Stockholm Syndrome? Is this a sexist movie? And are the musical numbers completely terrible?

At first glance, the best comparison I can find to the relationship between Belle and the Beast is from Avatar: The Last Airbender. If you guessed Zutara (Zuko and Katara) you are correct. Now, I’m a Zutarian. Naturally, this would mean I’m also a fan of Belle and Beast, right? No.

This film also reminds me of Shrek. Now, while Shrek is a compendium of confusing, sometimes sexist, sometimes feminist messages, it doesn’t claim to be an empowering movie. It’s just a “raunchy” comedy.

My first remark isn’t a critique, so much as a personal annoyance. I got sick of the singing rather quickly. As in, I was over the songs after the first musical number. I think there’s more music than plot in this movie. I’m actually surprised they managed to squeeze a story inbetween all the songs. Kanye West has more plot in his songs, and he spends a great deal of his albums bragging about himself.

But it’s a simple plot. We all know it. Girl takes her father’s place as prisoner to a beast and falls in love with her captor, who becomes a better person for her love. If only life worked like that. Actually, women marry prisoners convicted of horrible crimes all the time. I’m not surprised this is a hit.

So, we’re given a smidgen of story that doesn’t veer too far from the original fairy tale. What does that mean? The characters are two dimensional and the theme is paper thin, so Disney has to shove in a bunch of music to pad it above an hour. Ryan Murphy must’ve studied the shit out of this.

But I’m being too cynical. This isn’t exactly horrible. Going back to the stockholm syndrome angle, her father committed a legitimate crime. Beast is right to hold him prisoner. For a captor, he’s pretty reasonable.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the popular meme: I’ll Give that Bitch a Library, Bitches Love Libraries. This is the defining moment between Belle and the Beast. And I don’t have any complaints. Sure, I’m not exactly going gaga over the idea of a girl falling in love with a guy purely on the fact that he gave her a library — and that he’s not as douchey as he used to be — but it’s nothing compared to the other special romantic moments Disney’s shat out in the past 100-years.

And it doesn’t seem romantic. From her end, it looks like a pity friendship. I’m actually kind of confused as to where we get the romance from. She got books, he got a hot body, and… ? That’s all it takes? Have our standards diminished that greatly?

Who am I kidding? From what I’ve heard about Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid, this is feminist paradise.

Belle and Beast bond over Romeo and Juliet. I just see her pitying him. Like a little brother or a dog. She’s supposed to be smart, therefore she knows R+J is a satirical glance at romance. I should stop lying to myself.

While it’s stupid and ridiculous — the only other couple I’ve seen bond over R+J is Edward and Bella — it works. She teaches him how to read. It could be worse.

That’s really the only thing that got me through this movie — it could be worse.

I feel like I should be yelling about the evils of Stockholm Syndrome to appease TFPB (the feminist powers that be). But I’m not seeing much SS here. And it’s not like I watched this movie when I was seven and refused to take my childhood favorite off of its shiny Disney pedestal for a more mature viewing. He didn’t abduct her. He didn’t rape her. He didn’t hit her. He yelled at her — twice. He has a legitimate reason for holding her prisoner. And she doesn’t start treating him nicely until he starts treating her nicely.

Stockholm Syndrome is literally traumatic bonding. It breaks the soul. It’s victims equating lack of abuse for kindness.

Belle runs away because he’s a douchebag. He saves her. He starts being nice. In turn, she starts being nice. Her sentence runs up. He lets her go.

I can’t believe I’m defending this movie.

Just because I’m defending it doesn’t mean I jumped on the B&B OTP bandwagon.

And that doesn’t mean I don’t get the SS criticisms. This is a fantasy. In the real world, this would be a recipe for disaster. You do not bond with your captors. You do not reject your saviors and defend your captor. It just so happens that everyone in the outside world is a bigger douchebag than Beast. This does not happen in the real world.

Reading the FBI definition for Stockholm Syndrome — and I can’t disagree with the FBI — this is a mild case of SS.

1) Hostages have positive feelings for their captors.

2) Victims show fear, distrust, and anger toward the authorities.

3) Perpetrators display positive feelings toward captives as they begin to see them as human beings.

According to the FBI, SS isn’t always a bad thing. Apparently, crisis negotiators encourage its development to improve hostage survival. B&B don’t go through this step by step, hence I say their case is mild.

If this wasn’t a Disney movie, I’d agree, this is full on SS. But it’s Disney, so it’s not allowed to elevate.

The hostage must come to fear and resent law enforcement as much as or more than the perpetrators

She already does. And this, which experts agree is a crucial step, doesn’t happen:

The hostage taker threatens to kill the victim and gives the perception as having the capability to do so. The captive judges it safer to align with the perpetrator, endure the hardship of captivity, and comply with the captor than to resist and face murder.

For the last time — she is a legitimate prisoner, not a hostage. He never threatens her with death, or even abuse. He has every right to be angry. Her father was an intruder.

In cases where Stockholm syndrome has occurred, the captive is in a situation where the captor has stripped nearly all forms of independence and gained control of the victim’s life, as well as basic needs for survival. Some experts say that the hostage regresses to, perhaps, a state of infancy; the captive must cry for food, remain silent, and exist in an extreme state of dependence.

In contrast, the perpetrator serves as a mother figure protecting her child from a threatening outside world, including law enforcement’s deadly weapons. The victim then begins a struggle for survival, both relying on and identifying with the captor. Possibly, hostages’ motivation to live outweighs their impulse to hate the person who created their dilemma.

Decide for yourself. I say it is SS, but it’s so mild, I can’t bring myself to care.

Moving on —

I stated previously that I’m a fan of Zutara. Zutara works. Belle and Beast does not. Zuko has legitimate reasons for being an angry douche. His mother “died.” His father burnt his eye out. He was banished. And his sister is trying to kill him. He has every reason to be angry little dipshit. He’s also just as hot as Katara. So they’re equal in that department. And they have mother angst to bond over, not to mention all the “subtle” interracial/intercultural bonding moments we could have had and all the “sexual” tension a Y-7 rating could give us.

What is Beast’s problem? We never find out. Sure, he’s a beast, but that’s it. We’re never told why he was transformed. There’s no ever lasting pain. He’s just angry all the time. And, eventually, he changes. I guess I buy it. I mean, a pretty girl starts flirting with him. But he wasn’t exactly abusive — she’s a legitimate prisoner. He’s just a douche. And I don’t understand why any girl would like him, let alone Belle. Why does she like him? What is the draw here? They don’t even have sexual tension.

Gaston is a straw douchebag. His singular purpose: Being so douchey the little girls in the audience cream their panties over Beast because he’s not as douchey as Gaston. Problem is, I don’t understand why anyone would give two shits about Beast.

And why is so much value placed on Belle’s beauty? Even her name means beautiful. Yes, we’re told she’s intelligent and adventurous. But in the end, she seeks no adventures. She gets married. And there’s nothing wrong with marriage. But, jeez, if she’s such an independent woman, can’t she wait for marriage? She falls in love in two weeks (if that). She knows nothing about the Beast. She’s going to marry him and, presumably, stay in the castle forever. Just because of the books.

I like books as much as the next girl, but if I was a fan of adventure, I’d put off the wedding, explore the world for a bit, and then decide if I still wanted to marry a pseudo-douchey guy. Isn’t this what she wanted to avoid with Gaston? Beast lets her read books and that makes everything cool? A guy does the bear minimum (treating his love interest like a person) and he’s husband material? Really?

But I don’t have any major problems with B&tB. I can’t summon enough energy to hate it. I give it a resounding meh. If anything, I never really got an “eternal love” vibe from Belle. It seemed like a best friend, or really good pet, relationship from her end. I didn’t believe the “I love you” she gave. You know what would’ve made this movie really powerful? Belle giving him the “just friends” line after his transformation. Him remaining a beast would’ve been alright with me, too. Bestiality would’ve been way more entertaining than the ending we got.

Final Thoughts: I’m too old for movies like this. Brother Bear, Fox and the Hound, and its ilk have plots and character development and don’t revolve around ridiculous romances and long, painful songs. I can’t say the same for movies like this. While B&tB wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and it’s certainly not as sexist as some claim, it’s still not very good. I’d never recommend it to anyone. There’s hardly any story, the romance is bland, the characterization sucks, and the songs are too long. I will say one good thing about this movie — it’s better than what I’ve read of Beastly (Alex Flinn), on par with Beauty (Robin McKinley), and Beauty and a Beat (Bieber and Minaj) makes it look like Finding Nemo.

1 star. And that’s for the animation.

Tune in tomorrow for my review of The Cheetah Girls.

The Walking Dead: Season One and Why It's Overrated

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 16:52:00 -0700

In this review, I won’t make any comparisons between The Walking Dead, 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead or any movie in the zombie genre. There’s no point. The Walking Dead is bad enough without comparisons from far better movies.

The best thing about this series is the promo poster. I’m not kidding.

I started this show with high expectations. I’m a fan of AMC’s shows — Breaking Bad and Mad Men, and like every other human on the planet, I enjoyed Shawshank Redemption. I came into The Walking Dead expecting the same caliber of writing, acting, and production values as the former. And, yes, the acting and production values were there, but I can’t say the same about the writing.

Now, to watch a movie or television show containing zombies (or walkers/geeks), one must surrender a hefty amount of their brain to the God of Stupidity. Suspension of disbelief is the polite term we use to express this.

This show is praised for originality — for bringing new dimension to the zombie genre. What, exactly, does it bring to the table? Nothing. It gives us less new material than the cinematics from Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare. There is nothing new here. And that’s not a flaw. But what it does give us is older (and more boring) than the flesh rotting off a walker.

Ignoring the first five (failed) minutes of attempted characterization — no, I won’t ignore it. I have no idea what the writers were attempting with that monologue. Our MC’s best friend spends five minutes going on and on about the stupidity of his wife — how women do not know how to turn off lights — to show us that their marriage is fractured. We’re supposed to find this humorous. At least, I see no other way to interpret this scene.

Certainly not to show us that one of our protagonists is a sexist douchebag — later on in the series, this man becomes a “champion” of women, defending one from her abusive husband. Moral of the story? It’s okay to talk shit about women because that’s not sexist. Only hitting them is.

I would write this off as the writers trying to show us the subtle sexism of southern culture, but alas, I cannot, as no woman ever kills a walker (well, a woman kills her sister in a scene that doesn’t really count). At least, not in the first season. The singular women with a gun doesn’t even know how to shoot it until a man shows her how.

Unlike Mad Men, which is consciously aware of its sexism and even makes fun of it (after all, it takes place fifty years ago), TWD acts like it’s the norm. This is a fantasy. We’re supposed to suspend our disbelief for a myriad of ridiculously stupid things, but it’s far too much for our poor brains to excuse a woman who knows how to shoot a goddamn gun and defend herself without the help of a big strong white dude.

Moving on from that dreadful conversation, we find that our protagonist is a deputy. His best friend is also a cop. As they’re talking, they’re called in to aid in a car chase. These cops can’t shoot to save their lives in case you’re wondering. I’d feel safer with Stevie Wonder as my bodyguard.

Anyway, our MC, Rick Grimes, is shot with his back turned to the crime scene. Don’t ask how he became a deputy. I have no idea. I’m not really sure whether or not his stupidity was intentional, or if it was just a poor plot contrivance to get him into the hospital.

So, Grimes is shot in the side and taken to the hospital. He hallucinates. Time passes. He wakes up. Remember what I said about suspension of disbelief? Now, we need a plot device so Grimes wakes up without his family and for enough time to have gone by for the world to have gone to hell. But couldn’t we have come up with something else? We’re told that he was in a coma for three months.

From a gunshot wound in the side.

A gunshot wound.

In the side.

I won’t ask why.

He’s been attached to an IV for a month. An active human will die from dehydration in three days. A human in a vegetative state will last for twelve days. Excusing this gaping plot hole, his muscles should have atrophied. He should be covered in piss and feces. He should have died from wound infection.

But he is our hero. And he’s a strong, capable white dude. So, naturally, he lives. And, of course, he comes out of this without any injuries. One could say that his gun skills have actually improved! And he’s able to fight like he’s been working out nonstop for the past three months! Excuse me while I bash my head against a wall. This man shouldn’t even be walking.

And this isn’t refrigerator logic. I literally just watched that episode a few hours ago.
Can I ask one question? Why is the “hero wakes up with no idea how the world has gone to shit” such a popular trope in the post-apocalyptic genre?

So, our MC escapes from the hospital (thankfully, we don’t see any scenes similar to The Stand) and he makes his way towards his house. He encounters zombies. Then he gets beat over the head by a black kid who mistakes him for a zombie. I’ll give props to the show for this — I thought the black people would die. They didn’t. So, the first episode (despite the aforementioned flaws) gets 3.5 stars out of 5. It was interesting and full of action. I sympathized with the plight of the family Grimes stayed with. From here, it gets bad. Very, very bad.

Our racial minorities are — after the first episode — given as much respect as the women. Hint: none. Our resident racist, white idiots are given more screen time and lines and character arcs than the women and minorities. And let’s remember where this show takes place — Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta is more than 60% black, but you wouldn’t know that from this show.

After Grimes separates from the black family, he heads into the city. If this idiot has ever watched a zombie movie, he would know that you never go into a big city during a zombie apocalypse. I guess they don’t watch zombie movies in hicktopia — the imaginary land where whites outnumber blacks in Atlanta and the racist whites are allowed to roam free and given as many guns as they desire.

Grimes rides a horse into the city. Don’t ask why. I guess he wants to be a badass or something. And, badass that he is, he gets trapped in a tank surrounded by zombies. I guess we’re also being asked to believe that the military cowered under the hands of slow, stupid zombies — yet again. Seriously, people, for the last time — this would never happen. Repeat after me — all four branches of the military would not fall to stupid, slow zombies. Not even the coast guard would fall to zombies.

Also, this is not an airborne disease. But I won’t ask how this disease spread so fast, but even excusing it as a contact disease, the military would be prepared.

So, our idiot is saved by a Korean teenager, Glenn. Glenn introduces him to a few survivors and among them is our first racist white idiot. Within the first two minutes of meeting him, he beats the singular black male among this group into a bloody pulp for no reason whatsoever and manages to fight down three other men in the process while our women gasp in horror and do shit nothing. Our super idiot somehow manages to handcuff our previous strong as nails RWI #1 to a pipe on the roof because racism is wrong!

Now, onto the major plot line of the episode. Our super idiot, when he gallantly rode into the city on horseback, shot up the area and attracted all of the walkers to the hide out of these new survivors. Walkers are attracted to noise. This is beat into our heads a million times. Grimes, however, conveniently forgot. Now he has to find a way to save these survivors and get them out of the city. We also devote an unnecessary amount of time to RWI #1.

Instead of just forgetting about this racist piece of shit and how little he adds to the dynamic of the show, we go on and on about how horrible it is that he was left on the roof and how he’s human too and we should go back for him!

Basically, this is building up to the plot of another episode. And, we find out that RWI #1 has a brother! And he’s just as racist and even more stupid!

When Grimes finds his family, he is oh so thankful to his best friend for taking care of his family. He, however, does not know his BFF was fucking his wife . This annoys me on multiple levels. Why? Because it assumes that women are unable to defend themselves and their families and, of course, need a big, strong white dude to defend them. When, oh when, will we finally destroy this trope and let women take care of themselves? They are functioning adults, after all. It does not take a Y chromosome to shoot a fucking gun. My god.

We spend a pointless amount of time going back into the city to find RWI #1 under the guise of getting guns. I’m going to pause to bash my head into a cement wall for a few hours. We’re in the middle of the deep south. Gun shops are like McDonald’s down there. Walkers have no use for guns. There are hardly any survivors. Therefor, guns should be in huge supply! You should be able to walk into any backwater Walmart and grab as many guns as you want! So, no, we’re not really going back for guns. We’re going back to save RWI #1. Why, I have no idea. This is a pointless episode. They don’t even find him. I suppose it’s to bring him back as a villain and/or give character development to RWI #2.

Why we need these characters, I have no idea. I could life without them. I guess it’s so the RWI’s watching the show have someone to relate to. They’re much more important than the women and racial minorities.

Moving on — our survivors spend the next few episodes chatting it up in the wilderness instead of, I don’t know, finding a more secure base that they can arm — with lookout towers and grenades and what not. In the end, this bites them in the ass. Literally. Walkers invade their camp and kill a few of them. We get a debate about whether or not it’s right to kill someone who’s been infected. A woman, the first woman to even shoot a fucking gun, does so to kill her sister.

Then, they spend forever trying to decide whether or not to go to the Center for Disease Control. Finally, they do. Keep in mind, it’s been weeks in the show’s time and more than five hours in real time. They’ve accomplished nothing but reuniting Grimes with his family. This show moves slower than a murder plot concocted by Hamlet.

Sidenote: Will the phrase, “we have women and children” die? Women are not children. They are fully functioning adults who should get just as much screen time as the men. Atlanta actually has a higher population of women to men. It’s already the finale and we’ve yet to see a woman defend herself, stand up for herself, or wield a gun properly in the defense of a man, child, another woman, or even herself. The most important role a woman holds in this group is washing laundry.

The three biggest plot lines concerning women are as follows in order of importance that the show gives them (note, none of them actually take up more than ten minutes of screen time and RWI #1’s plot line got more time than all of them combined):

1#: Oh noes, my husband is back and I was fucking his BFF!
2#: My sister is a walker!
3#: My husband is abusive!

Seems a bit backwards, doesn’t it?

Sigh. Anyway, when they get to the CfDC, they’re allowed to kickback and drink wine. We get another pointless racist joke from RWI#2 directed at Glenn, the Korean teenager. I guess to remind us that he’s a racist piece of shit, because we’re certainly not supposed to find this funny, right?

This episode is basically the explanation behind the disease outbreak or cure or whatever. FYI: Before I start watching the finale, I predict an All Your Base Are Belong to Us Moment. It’s just too obvious.

For the first half of the finale, our characters walk around drunkenly, rehashing the events of the first five episodes, just in case we forgot. Afterwards, our characters get pointlessly angry at the doctor for not knowing anything regarding the disease or the outside world. So, to recap for everyone reading: this season built up nothing!

Soon, we find out that the facility’s generators are going to go out within a short amount of time — conveniently, as soon as our survivors arrived. Yes, because solar power does not exist. It’s such a shame that only the stupid people live after zombies take over. And the center is going to decontaminate itself! Meaning, all of our idiots are going to die in a fire! Wait, that’s supposed to be a bad thing.

But luckily, they all survive. Except for the doctor, of course. And that’s the end of season 1. We learn nothing about the disease, it’s origins, how to stop it, and we don’t get any character development whatsoever. This is The Walking Dead, a supposedly awesome show that everyone has been shitting their pants over since 2010.

Final Verdict: This show is a POS. It’s not worth the hype unless you’re completely bored, living in the 60’s and have never, ever watched a movie containing zombies.

ETA: I’ve started Season 2. It doesn’t get better. In fact, I think it gets more sexist and more boring. And our racial minorities have disappeared into the ether.